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Who’s Really in Charge?

Well, it’s been a week – not a great week, not a bad week, just a week. Des and I both woke up sick on Monday morning, so we’e been laying around the house with our runny noses feeling more tired than usual. We’re also having some work done on our kitchen – not the “Oh, new cabinets!” kind of work, the “Oh, the plumbing upstairs is leaking on your counter tops?” kind of work.

Besides all that, I’ve made a discovery. Kids know when you need something from them. I’m not talking about what you tell them you want, but what you hope, with every fiber in your soul, they will do. After all, it’s what they do every day, right? You simpleminded mother. (Actually, that would be me.)

Des doesn’t nurse much anymore, but when she does, Des can be in and out in under five minutes. Hey, that’s cool. But on the days when I actually need her to hurry it up? No siree bob. A few minutes before I run out of the house, I pop Desirae on to nurse. She lays there for about five seconds, pops off, and sits up to stare at the picture she has seen every day of her short little life. I’m thinking, “Hey, she must not be hungry,” and lift Des off my lap. Looking up at me from the floor, her big blue eyes turn into puddles of tears. I give nursing another try. Des latches on for six seconds this time, and she pops off. Then she looks straight at me with her little hand on my chest as if to say, “Mom, I will eat at my leisure. Don’t move me off your lap because if you do, I’m going to make this afternoon a nightmare.” Then, she goes back to staring at that darn picture. Apparently this dairy drive-through opens and closes at her discretion. And here I thought it was up to me. I laugh at myself. And the next day, when I have all the time in the world, she sets a record by eating the same meal in two minutes flat.

There are also those mornings when I actually want my kid to wake up at the crack of dawn. Every day I wish the kid would sleep in, but not this day. Today I have to be somewhere early. So, in true child fashion, Des sleeps in that morning. I keep getting ready to go. I actually get my hair done and all my makeup on, but I glance at the clock wondering why in the world she hasn’t woken up yet. Finally, with only a few minutes to spare before I need to leave the house, I go into the Desirae’s room and wake her up. Next thing I know, I’m dealing with a squirming, screaming, baby who is very unhappy that I even considered waking her up that morning. God forbid that I decided to change her diaper. As I’m trying to pull a fresh onsie over her bright red face, I ask myself, “Why? Why couldn’t she have slept in tomorrow?” Because, you know, tomorrow is Saturday. (I’ll probably be seeing all you Instagram folks at 5AM tomorrow.)

Some days, when I’m feeling REALLY adventurous, I decide to go out to eat. (It’s okay, you can start laughing at me now.) I figure, “Hey, my kid usual sits and eats for at least an hour. This will be great.” HA HA HA HA HA HA! Pity my innocent, unassuming attitude. I arrive at the restaurant and sit down to order. Des doesn’t want to color or play with any of her toys. Does she want the sandwich I brought for her? Nope. She wants fries, only fries. For the next 20 minutes, I’m trying to entertain her and pop yogurt melts into her open, screaming mouth. The fries finally arrive. After about four bites into my meal, Desirae decides she is full. Those three fries she finally ate were enough. Why did I go out to eat again? I should have just brought a pile of cash, put it on the table, and set it on fire. It would have been the same thing, and probably a lot more entertaining.

As adults, we assume we’re in control, but that’s just what they want us to think. It’s all one big ploy organized by the International Children’s Scams Association. (Come on. You and I both know it’s a real thing.) The kids are the ones running the show. We think we’re one step ahead of the game, but we’re not. We’re just guessing, trying to follow along the best we can, just like Gwyneth Paltro and James Corden in this Toddlerography video. (Seriously, this video is an analogy of real life.) Lucky for all our kids, we forgive and forget everything the minute they fall asleep.

Have a great weekend friends. I hope you’re able to stay one step ahead of those kiddos. See you Monday!

 

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