You know those days of motherhood when the struggle is just really real? I’ve been having a day like that. Actually, I’ve been having several days like that. Call it what you want – teething, a growth spurt, tired, temperamental – but I seriously have no idea.
Last night would be an excellent example of the past several days of struggle-mom moments. Desirae is usually a pretty stellar sleeper. I like to say it’s because of my super, excellent sleep training skills. Maybe it’s just who she is… but let’s not rain on my parade right now. It took me almost three hours to get Desirae to sleep last night. The moment I set her in bed and turned around, she started screaming. She wanted mommy, and daddy would NOT suffice. I had to rock her until she was almost asleep, lay her down in her crib, and then stand there rubbing her little head until she finally fell asleep. Yeah, it was sweet that she wanted her mommy, but in that moment, I wished that she wanted her mommy just a little bit less.
That would also be the explanation of why my Monday post has turned into a Tuesday post.
For me, it’s the constant and unexplainable whining, fussing, and random screaming of these phases that make me want to pull my hair out. Not only does it start to get on my nerves, but it feels very defeating when everything I try to help Desirae doesn’t work. I know she isn’t sick. It’s just one of those short phases that I have to wait out. If I give it a few more days, everything will be back to normal.
Sometimes in motherhood you fight for your routines, habits, and maintaining structure, but sometimes you have to let it go. (Please, don’t start singing.) This little phase Desirae is in, is one of those times when I have to let go. Forget the routines and sleeping habits. Right now, Desirae needs a little extra love and a little extra attention. That’s okay. I can think about structure another day. Once I let go of control, things will run more smoothly. I’ll end up letting go of things that don’t really matter, and Desirae will get the mama she needs right now. We will both be more relaxed if this A-type mama can go with the flow for a few days. I know how to go with the flow. The hard part is admitting that I selfishly like control, and, dare I say it, my me-time, too much.
These are the kinds of days that test my mama patience. If Desirae is having a rough few days, it means I am having a rough few days. But I need to find the love, patience, and compassion to help her through them. As her mom, I have the privilege of loving Desirae through her hard days. I get to be there, with all the patience I can muster, to be the mom she needs. The good news is, God is already there for both of us. He is using me to love Desirae, and using Desirae to teach me patience, selflessness, and compassion. I am thankful that I get to be Desirae’s mom, and I am thankful that in every sleepless night and screaming session, God is there, for me and for Desirae. The struggle is real, but so is He.